Alone Time

I have been thinking and feeling a pull that I need to take a weekend, and spend it with God. Go somewhere, and be "alone" physically, but Really have it just be God and I. I need to find a place to go, a place that God will just show Himself to me, and I can fall on my knees and be in a Holy place, praising Him, loving Him, being real to myself and Him. I just don't know where I could go and do this. And the fact that I want to do this is crazy, puts even a little anxiety and fear in me, cause I hate being alone. I need suggestions. I need to figure out where I am to meet Him.

Define It

Trust:
Relience on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc of a person or thing; confidence.

Strength:
The quality or state of being strong

Honor:
Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions.

Hope:
The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Faith:
Confidence or trust in a person or thing.

Love:
-A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
-A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, friend.

Hurt:
To cause mental pain to, offend or grieve.

Suffer:
To undergo or feel pain or distress.

Humility:
The quality or condition of being humble, modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

Close Friends

So every morning I get time to read, and think, pray, whatever... its fabulous. But this morning thoughts of my friends came about, ok well I think about my friends and family all the time, but today I was thinking about the close friends I have, and have had.
Well as I was thinking, I realized when I start to get close to someone I freak out. Don't get me wrong, I love my friendships, I need them in my life. But I really have noticed that I freak out when I start getting super close to someone. Why, not sure. Maybe cause I have been burned a few to many times, maybe cause it puts a fine line on getting hurt, or me hurting someone. Cause I think I have a tendency to hurt people, and I also have a tendency to get hurt very easily.
Which I think in saying that, I think it puts an effect on my walk with Christ. I know people have sinful nature, and I know I can always trust and count on Christ, but if I get burned by people, it leaves a hurt. Dude I am still hurt by someone who burned me in elementary school... ugh can anyone say get over it Beth... lol
I guess I just need to get over this, and figure out not everyone is going to burn me, not everyone is going to hurt/cut me down. Another thing to work on ME. Trust, its a huge deal to me.

Heart Full of Joy

Today my family and I went to the church we use to go to when we lived in Milwaukee. When walking in I felt so comfortable, and something inside me felt right. I was super excited.
Afterward they had this lunch, and we were talking to someone, and about the new things that are going on at the church and how things have really changed. Well in hearing all this, I was overcome with joy, and excitement. Awesome and amazing things are happening there. They are a school to 150 inner city kids, and just hearing the things they are doing, and working on there is awesome. I was in Aww. When it comes to kids we all know that is where my heart is at. This just confirmed it more. But these kids are getting an education, and a Christian education at that. They have people loving on them. They are enjoying and looking forward to sunday school, and such. I was so encouraged. I want to be a part of it. I want to help be a part of kids lives, make a difference for them, but be a light for Christ, and make a Christ-like impression. Cause it's not about me. It's Christ. I want to keep on loving others through Christ. I want Christ to keep showing me what I am meant for. How he wants to use me.
This morning was amazing, I cant even express the feelings I had. I was restless with joy/love/excitement/etc. I am super excited that a place that was/still feels like home to me (granted we stopped going when we moved when I was 3) is doing amazing thing in kids lives, for Christ!!!!!!

Forgive and...

So we have always been told to forgive and forget right. But still learn from the experience. Well what if you forgive, but still make joke of it, is it really bitterness and anger coming out? In my cause I think it is. I can forgive, but I then turn around and make a joke out of it to everyone else other then the person I forgave. I avoid the situation.

I have been told by someone that I have bad influences in my life....UM WHAT???? yeah, well I apparently make bad choices, spend to much time with people that are causing me to stumble... so on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA so flippin' funny is what I have come to decide.
First off, everyone makes a few bad choices in their life. We live and we learn, we seek God for wisdom, direction, and forgiveness when we make a stupid choice. My stupid choice, God has forgiven, most people have forgiven me (most of the people that really matter.)
Second ummm ok, I spend most of my time these days working. My friends ARE NOT bad influences. They are the one's who keep me in check with how I am doing with my walk with the Lord. I have one person who is meeting with me once a week, studying with me, another person (actually even 2) who is asking some of the hard questions that I need to be asked, so I can get all the junk I have shoved away out. If these are bad influences then hmmm I'm not sure what I should do.

This has been all one big ball of crazy, I have been told a few times that I really need to start looking at this one friendship in particular, look at how the person makes me feel, how they treat me, etc. I can't keep getting hurt, and getting in low spots because of this person.

Life Isn't Fair

Life isn't fair, gotta get that through. Friends bit you in the butt, satan attacks hard, life is rough sometimes. But thankfully for me I can depend on Christ to be my rock and solid ground. I can't always please people, and nor should I have to work to always, always please them. I need to focus on my relationship with Christ, work on fixing my heart, trusting in God to help fix my heart, have my heart and mind right with God, and to please God.
Im a broken person, who can feel satan attacking, but at the same time God fighting back. Its actually a crazy thing to feel. I trust Christ, not going to let satan win this. I am staying strong through Christ. Plus I have some awesome friends that are reassuring (which helps too)

Everyone..

Everyone needs to feel special. Everyone has to have a purpose, a reason for being, a significance to others.

Me; this week has brought a lot of question to all that. What makes me special, what in tarnations could my purpose even be close to, do I even have meaning and significance in other peoples lives? Really truly, do I?

What have I done for anyone? I really am just a pain in the butt.

Ugh I hate being in this low place... Why do I get here?

Ah

So its just been a crappy week, esp today.

So right now, I am going to read my Bible, spend time with my Almighty God, have an amazing smelling candle burning, and working on melting the worries away to a safe location. I just need this week to be over. In more ways then one. One is it means the crappy week is over, and I can focus on a good one for next week. As well as SAM HELM COMES HOME for the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhh I miss her, love her, and cannot wait to see her. I am also being kidnapped away by some friends, women's conference friday and saturday, and Tenth Ave North/Addison Road concert saturday :) YAY its going to be a good weekend. I just can't let the crappy take over. So dear friday, just get here already!!!!!

A Friends Told Me...

"If you never risk telling the people you fall in love with you'll never know if they've fallen in love back. Maybe the other person is just waiting too. It's better to feel dumb for a few minutes than to wonder for a lifetime." -JG


~Oh does this hit hard. I need to figure out what I have to do. Well I know what I have to do, I don't know how to do it. I care so much, and I have so many feelings. Rejection is one of my biggest fears. Loosing one of my best friends is another big fear. If I tell him how I feel. I risk both. I am already "loosing" him since he is going away for 5 year. Does that mean I tell him, he says the same thing and then I wait/have a long distance relationship. Who knows what the next 5 years bring to the plate for both him and I. If I tell him, and he doesn't feel the same way well her will be gone, and well I have those years to move on. But would that effect the last month I have with him being here?
I just want/need to know what to do. I just wish God would give me a big clear sign of what in the world I have to do. I have never felt this way about anyone. NEVER! Just typing this is making my heart all flustered, giddy, worried, etc. I just want to be smart about it all. I need to know what to do.

Little Jesus and Teenage Jesus

SO last night, at work Melissa and I were having a convo about the whole there is nothing in the bible about Jesus growing up, other then when it says he was 12 teaching in the temple. She asked me why that is. Was he just a normal kid and teenager? Honestly I could not give her a good answer. I tried, and I told her this is my opinion, my total guess at why. I really couldn't be the one to truly tell you and know if its right. But here is what I said (agree with me, or disagree, whatever. I am in a learning realm of my life/walk, so I would love to hear the "truth" about it.)

Anywho... SO I said well there was a huge significance in His birth. But His growing up was just normal. The whole teaching in the temple at 12 I think that was part where He started to realize that there was something unique about Himself. But after that again I would just think it was normal teenage years. It also wasn't the time for him to start his ministry, and do what He was placed on the earth to do.

I also asked this question on Yahoo answers. Of course I got the stupid dumb butt remarks. But I also got a couple good answers.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkB4tOedaGOot9nmjK1WO78azKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20100924071857AAmddad

This question and convo really got me excited about being able to dig deeper and look for answers, and for more to what I know.

Please let me know what your thoughts are.