So I have tattoos. I have a few more ideas of some I want. But those are not in the distant future. My count is now up to 4... yup :)


I got number 3 and 4 yesterday. I have my cross with the "hidden" fishes that is kind of made out of on my foot. I have my star with psalm 139:14 on my right shoulder. I have a peace sign on the outside of my right ankle. And I have the word forgiven written on my left wrist.


I was sitting on the couch last night kinda checking out the new ones. I like my new one's a whole lot. I like all of my tattoos a lot. But I was also thinking, each one of them represents something to me.


My cross (which yes, was my first one, which I got at 18 and I wanted one but...) is a symbol of my faith. It's a small way without word or actions to back it up, says i have some sort of faith.


My Star with the verse is a representation and a reminder. The star, kinda like lightening for me, is a way I see how big God is. God is so big that he placed the stars in the sky and he placed me here in this life. The verse is a reminder of I am made by God, I'm not junk, and I have a purpose.


My peace sign, well yes it kind of is a random one that I wanted. But as I was thinking, it has meaning. First off I have always liked the peace sign, I have always like the word peace, I have always like the meaning behind the word. I am a person who likes peace between people. I like the feeling of peace overcoming my heart, and mind. But the biggest thing is, right now in my life, I have a lot of peace between God and me. I have peace with things for school. I have peace with knowing that my life is moving and changing and I get to take the next steps. I am excited about it. Its peace that gives me the room to be excited. So it may have been a tattoo that was "random" and/or "a want" but at the same time it has meaning to me.


And now we get to my Forgiven. Ahh yes this is one I have wanted for a long time. I had a very hard time getting up enough "nerve" to actually get it done. I had to be in a place in my life and faith to get it. Well I have been ready for a little bit of time now. And yesterday I made it happen. This tattoo is so important to me. It is a huge deal. Like bring me to tears important (which actually happened last night while I was checking it out.) This tattoo is a part of my story. My life, and God story. I have hit that point of being able to tell that story now. I'm not scared to say yeah I screwed up, I made some poor choices and had a poor/scary attitude. I know I will always struggle with that demon of my life, which also plays into the importance and meaning to my star tattoo. But at the same time I have been for real forgiven by God for the mistakes I made, and will make. I had to finally forgive myself to be able to understand and accept that God really has forgiven me. I had to forgive myself to be able to get it. And I have. I am ready to have my story. Maybe it will mean something to someone someday. Maybe it will change someone's life. It's my story in and through Christ that if it changes one person or a couple. But even if it doesn't... It changed me. And in my life with Christ, I am the one that gets the biggest joy in my change. This tattoo means so much to me. It also looks pretty amazing and I really truly am glad I have it. 

Ok so not how this is going to come out, or what your perspective on it will be, and its not a statement against anyone. As well as  I do not expect or even searching for anyone to comment or make a statement to it, cause thats your choice, as well as its your choice to read.


But here we go...


So I know I have come a long way in my self image lately. I know that I have more confidence in myself. I am working on and getting a handle on my life a little better.


But at the same time I struggle with the question of what in my stand in peoples lives? What do I mean to anyone? Am I someone people want to invest their time into? Am I someone that someone would go out of their way for if I truly needed it? Or am I just another face and name in their life and they call me a "friend?" Could people even give a care about me? Can anyone see any impact in me having me in their life?


I'm not saying that I want to be everyones best friend, or that I have to mean the world to anyone or everyone. But at the same time I (like everyone else) wonder to know what I mean, what kind of impact do I make, how do people really feel/think about me?


I know this post sounds really self conceded and I'm making it all about me. But in a way its me confessing a struggle I have. I can really have a hard time thinking/feeling/knowing that I mean anything to anyone. Its a weak area in my life. And Im not a huge fan of it. But at the same time. I know its a struggle/weak area. And I guess that is a starting place to break that issue.


I guess for right now thats what I have for this post....

So the other day I was thinking, we all have junk in our lives right?

Some more then others.

We all have little quarks about ourselves. 

On that thought. How much of it are things that we do, or have or say in a way for us to "get caught." 

You know how much of acting out do we do as a "how much can we get away with?" or a "if I do this and that, will so and so still love me?" or a "how much is to much before people start pushing me out of their life?"


I know that in some way I do this. I have done things that in honesty has been "a test" to see how much love I deserve. Or how much people really do mean it when they say they love me. Do they really mean it even if I do stupid, horrible things?


In the same aspect I think we all do this. I think we all do it or have done it with the people in our lives. But I think we all do it or have done it with God. I think we have all hit a point in our lives where we say "really God you love me even though I do this or that?" or "God you really love me even though I am this person?"


I think we all have doubt about ourselves. Doubt that we deserve love, from people, and from God. 


I know I struggle with it a lot and often. I have a lot of self esteem issues. And they all lead to the same thing of I often feel I don't deserve to be loved. Because of things like the way I look, or the way I talk or say things, or the way I do things. I have often felt like if people can't love me, why should God. 


I know, I know. The self esteem issue thing is Satan. I know its a lie when I hear in my head that I can't be loved by people or God. 


But how often have we all gone through it. I don't know a single person who hasn't felt it at one point or another in their lives. 


I'm not really sure where this post was suppose to go. So Ill stop there. May add on later.

Ok so as I have spend the weekend in South Dakota for my brothers wedding. Setting up, getting things done, actual wedding, etc.
As I watched and participated in it all. I got to watch, watch Dan (and Susanna). Watch him in all that he is. And honestly he is amazing.
He is a man who loves God whole heartedly, He is a man who gives everything to God, He is a man who trusts God with everything, He is a man who leans in close and looks for Gods words. He fears the Lord like we are suppose to. He isn't perfect, no one is. He is quick to admit he is wrong when and if he is. But those moments are far and wide from each other.
He actually inspired/inspires me. I watched him love his wife to be, and I watched their love unfold in the moment they became one. I have never seen such love until them. I can see that the two of them complete each other, they make each other incredibly happy.
Their love for each other is all because of the love they have for Christ. They both are God fearing/loving people. They stayed pure and holy in their relationship through the strength they have in God. It may not have been easy. But they stuck through it until they were husband and wife.
If I could even become half the person they are individually as well as together. It would be super amazing. If I could have half the dedication to prayer they have. If I had/have half of the love of God they have. I couldn't even imagine who I would be.
I'm far from perfect. I screw up a lot. I really wish and want to take what I saw, and put it into practice in my own life. If I could find a guy who loves and fears the Lord like Dan does. If I could have a relationship somewhat like Dan and Susanna's. I would be one incredibly lucky chick.
I don't know what God has in store for me. But I honestly look forward to see what happens.

Ahh yes it is that time of year. Sunshine, Warm/Hot temps, Picnics, Baseball, Friends, Bonfires, etc. Yup it's summer time. I love it. This I think shall be a great summer. A jam packed one, of working, travels/trips, and trying to pack in as much social time in as I can before I head up and move to Minnesota. So it will be fast and short and sweet. But I am looking forward to it. I will be heading to South Dakota this week for my Big Bro's wedding :) heading to Minnesota at the end of the month for orientation, possibly Chicago for a weekend in July, planning on Lifest with some friends and my Baby Bro, and then mid August moving up to Minnesota. Yeah. Crazy. But at the same time my this is my life, constantly something going on, constantly doing something, constantly running/driving around. In a way I love it. In a way I hate it. I wouldn't change it though.


This is the summer before I move on to the the next chapter of my life. The last little bit and stretch of being a constant part of every one's everyday WI life. Come August my life becomes a clean slate. I get to claim/mash together the person I am, and who I want to be. It is scary and exciting all in one. In my previous post, I mentioned how I took this year off to discover myself, and stand on what I know and believe when I do go off to school. I am ready to embrace it and be that person. Be that person where no one knows my past and my junk. A place where people only see who I am now and will be. I get to be in charge of what in my past gets to be revealed, and to who it gets revealed. I'm not saying that my past is horrible, or that I am ashamed of it. Cause all of it has lead up to create the person I am and will be. I will be around people who will either like me or not like me. Not constantly go back and forth between the the two. I won't be around people who have a sloppy perspective and history of a relationship with me. I really try to work on my relationships. I'm not perfect at it. But I try. I also am working hard on my communication. Which will pay off for meeting new people, and building awesome relationships. 


My summer will be bitter sweet crazy. But I will love and embrace it. My next chapter in my life is  right in front of me. I need and want to make this chapter end well, and start off the next one great.  

Ok so my life has not turned out the way I always thought it would.

Not saying my life is bad. Nope that's not it. Its one of those things, you know, as your growing up you have things you want to do, want to be. More of a bitter sweet thing. I wouldn't change much though.

I've always suffered with my skin. And it has always taken a toll on things I do or don't do.
It has always played a part in how I see myself, and how I think people see me.

Well it hit hard in middle school. You know, new people, new place, make or brake on friends. Well I lost a lot of friends. I made a few. I was in so much pain those couple of years, physically and emotionally. It made such a huge impact on me.

There were things I always thought I would do while I was in high school but never did.  Things like play softball on like the school team. Be in marching band. Take German 4 years instead of 2, even possibly do exchange program. And probably a couple other things I can't think of. As for marching band, I was never good enough to make it. German, well I ended up doing the online school. So I did take one year of it that way but it was hard, and well I didn't want to keep going with it.

Toward the end of senior year I was having a hard time. Like getting work done, learning the information, etc. I did a whole semester worth of physics into the last two weeks of school. With help of tutoring from a few people. I was even unsure if I was going to graduate in time. Low and behold I pulled it off. It was one of the happiest things ever.

However with the whole question of graduation. As well as not having a real idea of what steps it took to get to college. I was not going to school right after high school. I didn't really have help in knowing what to do or how to get there. But as that summer went on I was kinda bummed I wasn't going. Cause I always wanted/planned to go to school "the normal way." Well honestly probably a few weeks to a month before the school year, I got signed up for classes at UW Waukesha. Ha yeah not the plan. but at the same time, I was going to be in school a little bit at least. Not to hard of classes, only a couple of credits that really count. But still I was in school.
Well that year was closing. I wasn't sure what to do next. Actually planned on getting away and going to school still. But it didn't happen. I even made the hard indecisive decision that I was going to take the year off. Discover myself, save a bit of money, start finding my foot hole in life, and find where God and I stand, be at my best with Him before I really do go off to school.

Now to the main point of this post....

Although things seem to have never really played out like I thought they would in my life. Which I know, Life never goes the way we plan or expect. But even though I have gone through trials, and hard times, and stupid moments, and pain, and such. I would not change things. Sure I would have liked to do more, and "be" more. But in my own way I have a lot of good things that have come about.

I can honestly say that in this year that I have taken off to discover myself and so on. I have found it to be what has happened. Yeah I have gone through more then expected, and big things have happened, and I fell on my face a lot. But honestly I feel like I have grown. Grown into an adult, grown into a better relationship with Christ. Grown into some confidence. I'm learning to look at myself differently, I'm starting to work at being a bit healthier. I'm starting to learn how to make decisions(cause I have had to make a few big/hard once lately,) handle things like money, my words, etc. I'm starting to feel that my words and communication are getting a bit better. I feel that when I have something to say, that its not stupid. Sure it may not be brilliant, or whatever. But I am someone, and to some people I am important. Important enough that they want to hear what I have to say.
I know I screwed a lot of things up. Like when I pretty much secluded myself from the world for a while. And I know I hurt a few people along the way. And I am trying to figure it out. Make it right. Asking for forgiveness. And at the same time I feel like I hurt to many people to much that I feel they don't want me around. Yeah I know that's a lie in my head. And that's another thing I'm working on.... sorting the lies from truth. And I have come to be able to recognize them. Just need to keep listening and believing the truth. Because I have so many lies in my head and heart. It gets hard sometimes. But I want and need me to be the best me there is before I head off to school in just about 2 months.

I am finally doing it. Getting to school. Filling a "dream" and a want in my life. And I think I'm ready. I think I went through all I have gone through to be prepared for now and later. I'm excited, happy, etc. Sure there is a bit of fear. Fear of how to pay for school and things, and fear of moving 6 hours away. But at the same time. I am at peace with it all. I know Gods got my back. He is carrying me through, Through my life, through the past present and future. My life is for His glory. I am really working on seeking that, trusting Him, listening to Him. Letting the peace I have in Him and His word, be my stronghold, my solid ground. Because without Him, I would not be where I am today, and be the person I am / am becoming.

Relationships
When you got them they are fragile
Precious
Special
Each one unique
A different strength in each one
A different drive
A different tone
But to me
Each one I have
Is important
Each moment spent
Each memory made
Wouldn't change a thing
Other then the times of selfishness
Pulled back from the world
It did some damage
But trying to build it all back up
Hoping for forgiveness
Every friendship
Every relationship
Means something
Something important

Headphones in
Blanket wrapped around
In the stillness
And silent
Of a cool crisp spring night
In a breath
The world stops
Stops you in your tracks
Thoughts in your head
Amazing
Crazy and silly

The possibilities you have
The things you can
And want to do
Imagination overtakes your heart
Mind and soul
So much potential to be something
To be Someone

A smile snuck up
Spreads across your face
That reflects a peace, happiness and contentment

The moments that you feel your best
When you feel you really can take on the rest of you life
Moments that are simple and amazing.

There comes a day or days when you change. You know from little kid to teenager. Or teenager to young adult. Or young adult to adult. It's not an age thing. It's the feeling you have one day when you just feel different. Older, mature, maybe a bit wiser. A day you feel you are one step closer to who you are, what you want to be, and who you will become. A day where the fears and doubts, worries, and frustrations of life are viewed different. You handle them in a new way. You don't hide, you face it. You find the way to overcome, fix, or make it work. You take the steps needed to do the next things. To make things work out. To find you are strong enough and that life isn't easy and it takes work, and you are willing to put in the effort and do it/figure it out.
And when those days of maturity happen you find yourself freed a little bit. Lighter, and happier. Fears and frustrations weigh you down so much. Not saying your never going to have them. Cause it's part of life. But when you know that the fear and frustration is not always forever. And you use the tools you have and can use to work through, you are much happier with yourself. You find a place inside where there is peace, comfort and happiness.
When we persist to become what we are meant for. Persist to find ourselves, to be happy, at peace, and live a life worth meaning and purpose. We are radically different. In one of the best ways possible.
You may have to roll with the punches once and a while. But that doesn't mean your avoiding, or not letting it be a part of you. But sometimes things are just to silly/stupid to put time and energy into. Or sometimes things are to big for us to handle on our own.
It's not a bad thing to have to reach out and ask for help. Life is meant to be lived and shared by people. Hurts, joys, happiness, sadness, etc. It's also not a bad thing to handle things on your own. But its not healthy(physically or emotionally) to push ourselves to a point of destruction. We can stand on our own two feet for a lot. But sometimes we fall down and need to be carried. We are not in total control of life. There is only so much that we can handle on our own.
When we can reach the point of understanding of that. And we can approach life in that way. The way to make decisions that build us up. Build others up. To live a life in perspective. We know how to live. We are stronger. We live a life to the full. As we are commanded to do.

It's been a while
Since I've seen your face
The beauty
The elegance
Breath taking amazing
Spoken words
I listen deep
Read the words
I take it in
You love unconditional
A truth I have known all my life
On and off believing
Wanting to be there again
Surrendered to you
My heart equaling Yours
Lies told in my head
Pulled me away
But
Finding the path
Back to you
To surrender to
and be with
You again