Ok so my life has not turned out the way I always thought it would.

Not saying my life is bad. Nope that's not it. Its one of those things, you know, as your growing up you have things you want to do, want to be. More of a bitter sweet thing. I wouldn't change much though.

I've always suffered with my skin. And it has always taken a toll on things I do or don't do.
It has always played a part in how I see myself, and how I think people see me.

Well it hit hard in middle school. You know, new people, new place, make or brake on friends. Well I lost a lot of friends. I made a few. I was in so much pain those couple of years, physically and emotionally. It made such a huge impact on me.

There were things I always thought I would do while I was in high school but never did.  Things like play softball on like the school team. Be in marching band. Take German 4 years instead of 2, even possibly do exchange program. And probably a couple other things I can't think of. As for marching band, I was never good enough to make it. German, well I ended up doing the online school. So I did take one year of it that way but it was hard, and well I didn't want to keep going with it.

Toward the end of senior year I was having a hard time. Like getting work done, learning the information, etc. I did a whole semester worth of physics into the last two weeks of school. With help of tutoring from a few people. I was even unsure if I was going to graduate in time. Low and behold I pulled it off. It was one of the happiest things ever.

However with the whole question of graduation. As well as not having a real idea of what steps it took to get to college. I was not going to school right after high school. I didn't really have help in knowing what to do or how to get there. But as that summer went on I was kinda bummed I wasn't going. Cause I always wanted/planned to go to school "the normal way." Well honestly probably a few weeks to a month before the school year, I got signed up for classes at UW Waukesha. Ha yeah not the plan. but at the same time, I was going to be in school a little bit at least. Not to hard of classes, only a couple of credits that really count. But still I was in school.
Well that year was closing. I wasn't sure what to do next. Actually planned on getting away and going to school still. But it didn't happen. I even made the hard indecisive decision that I was going to take the year off. Discover myself, save a bit of money, start finding my foot hole in life, and find where God and I stand, be at my best with Him before I really do go off to school.

Now to the main point of this post....

Although things seem to have never really played out like I thought they would in my life. Which I know, Life never goes the way we plan or expect. But even though I have gone through trials, and hard times, and stupid moments, and pain, and such. I would not change things. Sure I would have liked to do more, and "be" more. But in my own way I have a lot of good things that have come about.

I can honestly say that in this year that I have taken off to discover myself and so on. I have found it to be what has happened. Yeah I have gone through more then expected, and big things have happened, and I fell on my face a lot. But honestly I feel like I have grown. Grown into an adult, grown into a better relationship with Christ. Grown into some confidence. I'm learning to look at myself differently, I'm starting to work at being a bit healthier. I'm starting to learn how to make decisions(cause I have had to make a few big/hard once lately,) handle things like money, my words, etc. I'm starting to feel that my words and communication are getting a bit better. I feel that when I have something to say, that its not stupid. Sure it may not be brilliant, or whatever. But I am someone, and to some people I am important. Important enough that they want to hear what I have to say.
I know I screwed a lot of things up. Like when I pretty much secluded myself from the world for a while. And I know I hurt a few people along the way. And I am trying to figure it out. Make it right. Asking for forgiveness. And at the same time I feel like I hurt to many people to much that I feel they don't want me around. Yeah I know that's a lie in my head. And that's another thing I'm working on.... sorting the lies from truth. And I have come to be able to recognize them. Just need to keep listening and believing the truth. Because I have so many lies in my head and heart. It gets hard sometimes. But I want and need me to be the best me there is before I head off to school in just about 2 months.

I am finally doing it. Getting to school. Filling a "dream" and a want in my life. And I think I'm ready. I think I went through all I have gone through to be prepared for now and later. I'm excited, happy, etc. Sure there is a bit of fear. Fear of how to pay for school and things, and fear of moving 6 hours away. But at the same time. I am at peace with it all. I know Gods got my back. He is carrying me through, Through my life, through the past present and future. My life is for His glory. I am really working on seeking that, trusting Him, listening to Him. Letting the peace I have in Him and His word, be my stronghold, my solid ground. Because without Him, I would not be where I am today, and be the person I am / am becoming.