Ok so my life has not turned out the way I always thought it would.

Not saying my life is bad. Nope that's not it. Its one of those things, you know, as your growing up you have things you want to do, want to be. More of a bitter sweet thing. I wouldn't change much though.

I've always suffered with my skin. And it has always taken a toll on things I do or don't do.
It has always played a part in how I see myself, and how I think people see me.

Well it hit hard in middle school. You know, new people, new place, make or brake on friends. Well I lost a lot of friends. I made a few. I was in so much pain those couple of years, physically and emotionally. It made such a huge impact on me.

There were things I always thought I would do while I was in high school but never did.  Things like play softball on like the school team. Be in marching band. Take German 4 years instead of 2, even possibly do exchange program. And probably a couple other things I can't think of. As for marching band, I was never good enough to make it. German, well I ended up doing the online school. So I did take one year of it that way but it was hard, and well I didn't want to keep going with it.

Toward the end of senior year I was having a hard time. Like getting work done, learning the information, etc. I did a whole semester worth of physics into the last two weeks of school. With help of tutoring from a few people. I was even unsure if I was going to graduate in time. Low and behold I pulled it off. It was one of the happiest things ever.

However with the whole question of graduation. As well as not having a real idea of what steps it took to get to college. I was not going to school right after high school. I didn't really have help in knowing what to do or how to get there. But as that summer went on I was kinda bummed I wasn't going. Cause I always wanted/planned to go to school "the normal way." Well honestly probably a few weeks to a month before the school year, I got signed up for classes at UW Waukesha. Ha yeah not the plan. but at the same time, I was going to be in school a little bit at least. Not to hard of classes, only a couple of credits that really count. But still I was in school.
Well that year was closing. I wasn't sure what to do next. Actually planned on getting away and going to school still. But it didn't happen. I even made the hard indecisive decision that I was going to take the year off. Discover myself, save a bit of money, start finding my foot hole in life, and find where God and I stand, be at my best with Him before I really do go off to school.

Now to the main point of this post....

Although things seem to have never really played out like I thought they would in my life. Which I know, Life never goes the way we plan or expect. But even though I have gone through trials, and hard times, and stupid moments, and pain, and such. I would not change things. Sure I would have liked to do more, and "be" more. But in my own way I have a lot of good things that have come about.

I can honestly say that in this year that I have taken off to discover myself and so on. I have found it to be what has happened. Yeah I have gone through more then expected, and big things have happened, and I fell on my face a lot. But honestly I feel like I have grown. Grown into an adult, grown into a better relationship with Christ. Grown into some confidence. I'm learning to look at myself differently, I'm starting to work at being a bit healthier. I'm starting to learn how to make decisions(cause I have had to make a few big/hard once lately,) handle things like money, my words, etc. I'm starting to feel that my words and communication are getting a bit better. I feel that when I have something to say, that its not stupid. Sure it may not be brilliant, or whatever. But I am someone, and to some people I am important. Important enough that they want to hear what I have to say.
I know I screwed a lot of things up. Like when I pretty much secluded myself from the world for a while. And I know I hurt a few people along the way. And I am trying to figure it out. Make it right. Asking for forgiveness. And at the same time I feel like I hurt to many people to much that I feel they don't want me around. Yeah I know that's a lie in my head. And that's another thing I'm working on.... sorting the lies from truth. And I have come to be able to recognize them. Just need to keep listening and believing the truth. Because I have so many lies in my head and heart. It gets hard sometimes. But I want and need me to be the best me there is before I head off to school in just about 2 months.

I am finally doing it. Getting to school. Filling a "dream" and a want in my life. And I think I'm ready. I think I went through all I have gone through to be prepared for now and later. I'm excited, happy, etc. Sure there is a bit of fear. Fear of how to pay for school and things, and fear of moving 6 hours away. But at the same time. I am at peace with it all. I know Gods got my back. He is carrying me through, Through my life, through the past present and future. My life is for His glory. I am really working on seeking that, trusting Him, listening to Him. Letting the peace I have in Him and His word, be my stronghold, my solid ground. Because without Him, I would not be where I am today, and be the person I am / am becoming.

Relationships
When you got them they are fragile
Precious
Special
Each one unique
A different strength in each one
A different drive
A different tone
But to me
Each one I have
Is important
Each moment spent
Each memory made
Wouldn't change a thing
Other then the times of selfishness
Pulled back from the world
It did some damage
But trying to build it all back up
Hoping for forgiveness
Every friendship
Every relationship
Means something
Something important

Headphones in
Blanket wrapped around
In the stillness
And silent
Of a cool crisp spring night
In a breath
The world stops
Stops you in your tracks
Thoughts in your head
Amazing
Crazy and silly

The possibilities you have
The things you can
And want to do
Imagination overtakes your heart
Mind and soul
So much potential to be something
To be Someone

A smile snuck up
Spreads across your face
That reflects a peace, happiness and contentment

The moments that you feel your best
When you feel you really can take on the rest of you life
Moments that are simple and amazing.

There comes a day or days when you change. You know from little kid to teenager. Or teenager to young adult. Or young adult to adult. It's not an age thing. It's the feeling you have one day when you just feel different. Older, mature, maybe a bit wiser. A day you feel you are one step closer to who you are, what you want to be, and who you will become. A day where the fears and doubts, worries, and frustrations of life are viewed different. You handle them in a new way. You don't hide, you face it. You find the way to overcome, fix, or make it work. You take the steps needed to do the next things. To make things work out. To find you are strong enough and that life isn't easy and it takes work, and you are willing to put in the effort and do it/figure it out.
And when those days of maturity happen you find yourself freed a little bit. Lighter, and happier. Fears and frustrations weigh you down so much. Not saying your never going to have them. Cause it's part of life. But when you know that the fear and frustration is not always forever. And you use the tools you have and can use to work through, you are much happier with yourself. You find a place inside where there is peace, comfort and happiness.
When we persist to become what we are meant for. Persist to find ourselves, to be happy, at peace, and live a life worth meaning and purpose. We are radically different. In one of the best ways possible.
You may have to roll with the punches once and a while. But that doesn't mean your avoiding, or not letting it be a part of you. But sometimes things are just to silly/stupid to put time and energy into. Or sometimes things are to big for us to handle on our own.
It's not a bad thing to have to reach out and ask for help. Life is meant to be lived and shared by people. Hurts, joys, happiness, sadness, etc. It's also not a bad thing to handle things on your own. But its not healthy(physically or emotionally) to push ourselves to a point of destruction. We can stand on our own two feet for a lot. But sometimes we fall down and need to be carried. We are not in total control of life. There is only so much that we can handle on our own.
When we can reach the point of understanding of that. And we can approach life in that way. The way to make decisions that build us up. Build others up. To live a life in perspective. We know how to live. We are stronger. We live a life to the full. As we are commanded to do.

It's been a while
Since I've seen your face
The beauty
The elegance
Breath taking amazing
Spoken words
I listen deep
Read the words
I take it in
You love unconditional
A truth I have known all my life
On and off believing
Wanting to be there again
Surrendered to you
My heart equaling Yours
Lies told in my head
Pulled me away
But
Finding the path
Back to you
To surrender to
and be with
You again

A dream wanted
Chased
Half way there
Freak out moment
Paralyzed by fear and doubts
Some moments of hope
But frozen by the unsure next step
Time to be done with the fear
Put on the big girl pants
Get it done
Prove the fear and doubt wrong
Make the dream(s) happen

Starting Over by Addison Road

Open up your eyes 
Awake, arise 
Love like a hand reaches down 
And pulls us up from the dirty ground 
Now is the time 
To step from the dark into the light 
Cause you can’t change what you’ve done 
But you can choose who you’ll become 
(CHORUS) 
Every moment is a second chance 
At starting over, at starting over 
Move from the past to the present tense 
You can start over, start over again 
If you feel ashamed 
Of the choices that you’ve made 
You can be whole again 
And return to your innocence 
(CHORUS) 
Every moment is a second chance 
At starting over, at starting over 
Move from the past to the present tense 
You can start over, start over again 
Yesterday is gone 
Today is all you’ve got 
You don’t have to be who you’ve been 
You can change within 
It’s never too late 
To start over again 
(CHORUS) 
Every moment is a second chance 
At starting over, at starting over 
Move from the past to the present tense 
You can start over, start over again

Thankful
A thousand times
Challenged
Six journals
Decorated in our style
Pens to fill the pages
Everyday
Write a few "what your thankful for"
Not complete till 1000
But more if you please
Little things
Big things
Anything
Life is full
Gratitude
Take the little
Make them big
Say a thanks
Write it down
No limits
Nothing is stupid
Who you are is in what your thankful for
1000
On our own but together

Stare out a window
What do you see
What does it mean
Calm and still
Busy and loud
Stare to clear the noise your head
Stare to hear them better
Stare to search
Search for an answer
Of who you are
Who you will become
What do you mean
What does anything mean
What do you matter
What does matter
Stare to be
To dream
To think
To find
To listen
To discover
Stare to distract
From the situation
From the noise
From the hurts and fears
Stare out into the world
See its color
See it for what it is
Stare out the window
What do you see

Sunglasses for the sunshine
Shorts for the warm
Chillin' with the family
Its a perfect day
A perfect Sunday in April
A taste of what shall be
Soon
Summer time
And non-stop fun
A summer that may come and go
But a summer that will be marked down in the books
Good and happy moments
Possibly some bad and hurtful ones too
But none the less...
It will be summer
And summer fun it shall be