WOW

WOW so it has been FOREVER since I have blogged!!!
Where have I been???

O right school work, work, and well trying to have a life.

Well I graduated :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Poland was fabulous!!! Best time of my life!!!
I have been trying to figure out what I will do in the fall. Possibly UW Waukesha for now, then transfer later??? Well we shall see :)

Ummm I dont have much on my mind right now. Hopefully I will start blogging and yeah :)

So I have been thinking, and pondering today about my relationship with Jesus, and my skin. When my skin is bad, I feel empty. I know I have always let my skin be a roadblock in my walk with Christ, cause I just want my eczema to be gone. It honestly pisses me off.
Like today, it hurts, and I'm in pain, and I just don't like when it is like this, and I just feel empty and wondering why do I have to put up with this. It frustrates me so much that I just feel like I am "mad" at God. Not that I want to be, because I know that there is a purpose in the long run, and I know it is probably a thing I am faced with to make my relationship grow stronger with Christ. 17 years of asking God to show me his direction and purpose in me having this problem, I just wonder "what in the world God, WHY?"

But as I am writing this, I had to stop, and make a run to Wal-mart. lol And EVERY song I hear on the way there just hit me. The main one being "There Will Be a Day" so here I am in pain, wondering what God has planned with this, and then he shoves this song in my face, which by the way I love this song, and have since I first heard it. But God just told me that this isn't forever.

I have been having a rough week, physically, emotionally, etc. But GOD continuously keeps showing himself through it all. And I PRAISE Him for it. Because I am NOTHING without Him, and if He didn't keep showing himself through this week, I would be even more of a mess.

If this blog made any sense...sweet. If not I'm sorry. It kinda just all came out, and like I said I left to make a run to the store.

GOD IS GOOD, I LOVE HIM, and I PRAISE HIM.

Judgment

This is one thing that I know I can struggle with. But it puts a world of perspective when it happens to me. I have always been judged, because of my skin, which sucks, but I've learned to kinda deal. But when a few of your own leaders and friends at youth group, judge you for something that is no big deal, it hurts, and really sucks.
This happened to me this last week. I have small gauges in my ears...yes, I love them. I think they are awesome. Am I going all out and go super huge and nasty, NO!!! thats to much, but there were a few leaders, and friends noticed, and were really rude, and judgmental toward me about it, and it's not like its anything new. I'm not even the only one at youth group who has them. So why is it such a big deal. I would understand if they were outrageous and nastily huge, but they aren't!!!
I just bothered me about how rude and judgmental they were toward me.

Jesus Works in Funny Ways!!!

So as I am in my Bible Daily, I am noticing I am having better days. I am in better moods, I'm not so blah about my days. My personal goal for getting in my Bible everyday was to grow more in my knowledge of Christ, and learn more about the Bible, because I have never really been good about being in the Word daily, until now. But this proves that my goals are simpler then Gods plan/will for my life. I am learning so much. I have been able to apply what I have noticed, and taken away from what I have read to my life. I am also striving for more of what I'm learning! I am wanting more and more for God to change my life like he has in a week since I have started to be in His word daily!!! I love it!!! I have never felt this way outside of youth group/church events!!! Its so exciting to me :)

Craziness of life

My life has become very very crazy. I feel so twisted and pulled. I do so much that I don't have time to settle down, think, let God work through me. I work so much, because I have the mind set of I need the money cause of Poland. And I don't allow myself to have time to do my homework, which I Really need to get done, and I cant put it off, I will just cause myself more problems if I do that.
Plus today, at church they talked about serving, which I do...practically every week. I'm getting worn out. And I know that is no excuse to stop serving, which its not that I want to STOP, I just need a break. Which the other day I email Dan K, and Angie, who does the tech team schedule, and just asked for a month off. I love serving, I love helping, I just get stressed and worn out, especially since I am one of the people on the team that is willing to say yes to week after week of serving. But yeah. So as Pastor Guy was talking I started to feel guilty about asking for time off. Then at youth group, we talked about taking time for God, stepping back from everything in our lives, and letting God speak to us. Which then made me feel like well what am I suppose to do, take the break that I asked for and seem that I really need, even though the tech team is the last thing causing me to be stressed and busy. Or do I keep serving, because it is what us Christ followers are suppose to be doing.
Then as I was thinking, Jackie asked me on Friday to watch kids for a meeting on Monday night, I said yeah I can do that. But in my head I thought I really shouldn't. I have way to much to do, and no time to do it. BUT to late now. But I just can't say no to things like people asking me to serve or watch kids. It is just a part of who I am. I hate making people be in a bind for finding someone else.
I just need to figure out what I can step back from. But I just don't know!!! Plus I seem to just be adding more and more on to my plate as I try to figure out what to step away from.


On a side note, from my last post, I have been ding a great job of getting into my Bible everyday, and getting in my Jesus time :)

Better Then Myself

I know I'm not a great person. I know I'm not perfect... no one is. But i have been learning more about myself. More of the fact that I am not living the Christian life I should be. I try, but I fail everyday. My prayer life is not as strong as it should be. I don't get in God's Word everyday, I honestly can't remember when I last did (by myself that is.) At the end of the day, its the last thing on my mind. Life gets my attention before my Creator, and that makes me very sad to admit.
Well since Sunday I have realized that life is starting to really get to me. I am overwhelmed with school, work, church even. I serve so much at church that worship has become a blur to me. I can't properly worship my God. At youth group, I stand there feeling weird, I can't get into the music. I feel like I don't know how to worship anymore. But I know there is no one way to worship. Or even a proper way to worship.
I just need to get better at my Bible reading, and my prayer time with Jesus. I know once that happens things will change for the better. And I want them to. I need them to.

Please keep me in your prayers. I need my life to be God centered, not Beth centered. I can't have control of my life. I will screw it up WAYYYY to much.

<><
Beth

I think I have become immune to crying and really feeling God working in me at retreats, or weekend get away things for church. I don't know if it is because I would always end up crying at everything in middle school and beginning of high school. Or what. But I came out of this weekend felling like nothing impacted my life. I mean there were a few things I could relate to from the speaker, but nothing life changing. In fact I came home Sunday feeling really weird. Kinda empty. But its not like I have doubted God or strayed from God. If anything my knowledge, and stuff of HIM is better then ever. I don't know if it was Satan trying to attack me, or if I truly didn't get anything out of the weekend. I had a blast. But there were so many ladies who broke down, because God has impacted them in some way.
I learned new things , that I plan to take in effect in my life, but yeah.

I don't know. Its just something that I noticed.

<><
Beth

I PASSED!!!!

I PASSED first semester of physics!!!!!!
I wasn't suppose to, but I think due to the fact that I'm a senior, my mom emailed my teacher saying I didn't fail on the fact that I didn't try, and the fact that I kinda had a break down while talking to her, helped for her going and "regrading" my stuff, and allowing me to pass with a D.
Who gets excited about a D??? Well sadly, I do when it comes to physics :)
But hey it makes me feel better about me actually graduating. I also have Garrett to help me out this semester :)
Ahhh I'm so happy I passed :)

Pray that things go well this semester for me!!!

Senior Year

O boy its half over... I feel like its just a dream, I shouldn't be a senior already!!!! I shouldn't have just turned 18!!! What happened to me being that little girl who looked forward to playing dolls with Jenny??? Lol. Now I have so many roads ahead of me. I have to get school apps in, I have to graduate, I (feel) I have to know what the heck I want to do with my life. I need to to get all this stuff planned, straightened out. I feel so lost. Where to begin. Where to begin especially when I NEED to pass physics in order to graduate. What if I don't graduate this year. I will be a wreck. I can't fail, I can't stay back a year my senior year, I need to graduate. Both Dan and Andy Graduated when they were suppose to, I can't be the one who doesn't. I feel so confused, I need help. I can't do this on my own. One semester left of school. Can I REALLY do this??? I'm honestly scared, stressed, etc.

LORD HELP ME!!!
I need your will to be my vision. My plan, my goal. I need the wisdom I need to get this done. I need you to guide me in that wisdom. It only comes from you!!!

Life

Lately life just seems to be flying by. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I don't feel like I'm good enough at anything worth pursuing. The things I love to do, just don't seem right anymore. I am at the point where my college apps need to get in if I want to go to school. Which I do. But I just don't want to go without any idea of what I want with my life. Ive never been exceptional at anything. Things I would want to do, are always shot down by at least one person. I'm the kind of girl who, when one person says something bad about something I say or do, I feel terrible about it, and end up thinking I was stupid for even considering or doing that one thing. I just feel like I have nothing. nothing to make goals of, nothing that I should be following as pathways to a respectful, successful life. A life that people would be proud of me for. A life that I'm happy with and proud of myself. A life that is worth something.
I just don't feel like I'm going anywhere with my life, I feel like I have screwed up my future/life already by not knowing what I will do, or where I'm going in my life.